I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
