Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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