they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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