Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
