how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.