Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He shit in the fireplace
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
