Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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