I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
