So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
