I just gift wrapped bread.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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