yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
