Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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