I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
