he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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