So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
