Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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