I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
