I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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