booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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