I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm like, not good at living.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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