Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
