My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
