She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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