Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
