That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
