genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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