Whatcha textin bout Willis?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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