she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
