Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
