the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
We had sex on a dog bed..
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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