I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
