: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
