its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
