remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
