i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
