I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
