she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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