I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
