i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
