my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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