When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
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