in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
