Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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