god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
