so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
