DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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