I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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