Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Who died my cat blue again?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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