she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
