Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
