Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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