Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
