eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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