so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
