I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
