Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
